Equine Assisted Learning - A Haven Reflection

My first interaction with Chester, Laura's horse, brought me to tears. I approached him and he shied away. B, who I affectionately refer to as the horse whisperer HW, asked me gently, "Do you know why he did that?" I shook my head.

"You weren't sure of boundaries, and your intention wasn't clear."

I immediately began to cry at the truth of this statement. I knew it without knowing it. I'd spent the past year learning about how my weak boundaries had caused me trouble in interpersonal relationships for years. I had made some great progress, but now, Chester was indicating I still had a ways to go. The realization felt heavy. The tears helped me take in all of this information explained in such new terms.

"It's okay. That's why you're here. These horses are here to help."

HW and her friend P helped the four of us Haven Retreaters--city dwellers and horse novices--learn about the amazing gifts horses were created to offer to humans. They are deeply in tune with energy fields and mirror what they perceive. That's why Chester shied away from me as I approached him. I WAS hesitant no matter how hard I tried to play it cool. I could fool myself, but not him.

They pointed out the particulars of what we were observing among the horses in the herd. Fascinating and big and divine. Those are the best words to describe it.

HW and her team led the horses we would work with into the arena. A melancholy and sleepiness washed over me as we observed the horses and prepared for our one-on-one time with the animals. They were huge. I'd never stood so close to horses before and their size was overwhelming.

HW gave us a chance to get used to the horses' presence and to watch them interact with each other and with her. Finally, HW looked at me and said, "Julie, which horse would you like to choose?"

I immediately wept. "I clearly have more work to do when it comes to standing up for myself and establishing my boundaries." I turned and pointed to the bigger horses. "I don't do things the easy way, so to learn what I apparently need to learn, I will choose one of the big horses." I made this speech through my tears. "I'll take Luke because that's my nephew's name, but what I'd really like to do is take that smaller horse. He scares me less."

HW looked at me with gentleness and said, "That is great self-awareness, but I would like to suggest that maybe sometimes you don't have to do things the hard way. If choosing Star makes you feel safer, choose Star." I appreciated her permission to be gentle with myself and agreed that Star was the horse for me.

I asked a question and HW asked me to walk away from the horses and humans to demonstrate her answer. After she was finished with her demonstration, I stayed in place.

And then THIS happened:

Suddenly, Luke, the horse I had first identified and then decided not to choose, chose me. HW reminded me to stand my ground, be firm in intention, which originates from the gut, and to breathe. Luke walked straight toward me and stopped inches away. We communed for what felt like a long time. And then as suddenly as Luke approached me, he turned and walked away confident that I had gotten from him what I needed.

HW beamed and told me she was proud of me and that it was time to approach Star, the smaller horse.

My time with Star was instructive too. He tested my boundaries and showed me what it looked like and felt like when I did not reinforce them for myself or others. He continued to test me, and I continued to be a willing student.

The other photos taken by HW's friend, Becky, capture my mellow, introspective demeanor in my hour with the horses. I was overwhelmed by what information the horses were mirroring for me. I was weary from the weeping. I was on sensory overload. But I was also proud of my accomplishments and ready to put them in practice when I returned to my regular life.

While equine assisted learning wasn't on my 4040 list, I know that the list has created internal space that makes me willing and open to experiences like this. I am blessed beyond measure for the opportunity to learn about myself on the page and away from it. The instructive moments provided by Chester, Luke, and Star will not soon fade.

16. Go to a Concert at Riverport (now called Hollywood Casino Amphitheatre) CHECK.

A few months ago a friend and I managed to get tickets for Taylor Swift's second show in STL for our daughters. Given the small fortune it took to make this amazing experience a reality, I decided that I would practice my word of the year GENTLE and overlook the fact that the TS concert was at a different venue, and allow it to count for my 4040 checklist.

And then a few days before Zac Brown Band was coming to the venue stipulated on my list, I scored two free tickets. I invited my friend, N, and she was able to join me.

Zac Brown Band was fantastic. They played such a great mix of new and familiar tunes. We sang along and swayed to the music. I commented that Zac Brown really has a voice for the Broadway stage. He's theatrical and engaging. And his band of brothers are entertaining as well.

My friend and I were in mellow moods and the crowd was not so big, so remaining seated most of the time did not hurt our view of the stage. We sat on the grass wrapped in blankets on a cool May evening, enjoyed world-class music, and took in the sights of other concert goers who seemed impervious to the cool temperature based on their choice of wardrobe. This was a moment when I realized that 40 really is old in some respects.

Yes, I actually wore this to a concert in May. That's what 40 does. It knows oneself and one's personal temperature gauge and says, "Wear the hand band. If you are cold, which likely you will be once the sun sets, you won't enjoy yourself." I was slightly self-conscious standing in line in the ladies room, but then a woman commented on the head band and noted that I looked warm and she was cold. Practicality DOES win out after all!

More than the set list of the evening and the way that Zac's musicianship makes my heart flutter, I will remember that I got to share really great music with a really great friend.

Haven Writing Retreat - First Reflection

"Ask me a month later and I may be able to tell you. I can't now...I don't know myself...I'm too near it. My thoughts feel as if they had been all stirred up until they were thick and muddy."

I read these words this morning from Anne of Avonlea. This is Anne's answer to Marilla's question about how her first day of teaching went. I am borrowing Anne's words as I continue to metabolize the experience in Montana that is now a week-and-a-half past.

I have been working on a response to the question, "How was Montana?" for a week. I don't have a ready answer. During the entire retreat, I felt at a loss for words like they had been confiscated for a time. That's a strange experience to have when one is at a WRITING retreat. But it also allowed my heart and mind to absorb everything that was happening. To soak it in so that I'd be able to access it later.

In one word, the retreat was TRANSFORMATIVE. I flew to Montana THINKING I was a writer, and I arrived back in Missouri KNOWING I am one. My one-on-one with Laura Munson was encouraging and instructive. She pointed out places for improvement (Point of View, no adverbs, and less stage direction) and highlighted the places that my writing was already excelling (passion for the craft, my love for my characters, having what cannot be taught). She underscored that I was willing to play on the page and told me that that takes courage.

Laura encouraged me to determine why I was writing this book. I had a ready answer: Writing Astrid's story is my practice in being FEARLESS.

This epiphany is a beautiful accompaniment to everything I have done and worked for in my year-long celebration of 40. The mindset that the 4040 list has created made this retreat possible. Getting to Montana was a leap of faith financially and otherwise. Asking for help through the gofundme campaign took me out of my comfort zone. Once I arrived at the ranch, surrounded by majestic fir trees, the sounds of birds, the sight of tree swings, I knew I was on hallowed ground. When I encounter the sacred in the ordinary, tears pool in my eyes and stream down my cheeks. There were a lot of tears those five days at Haven.

My heart has weathered a lot over the past few years, and Haven invited me to come and rest. To laugh and to cry. To breathe and offer thanks.

There is so much more to tell. Please be patient as I recapture my words. There's so much goodness I want to share.

Postcards from Montana

June 4, 2015

Dear Reader,

I had a wonderful travel day and as is always my hope, I sat next to and conversed with two very lovely people on the flights to Salt Lake City and Kalispell.

One of the other retreat attendees who was already in town picked me up at the airport. We shopped for a few things at Safeway before returning to the airport to pick up another retreat attendee.

We shared wonderful conversation at lunch and then drove to the Walking Lightly Ranch.

Suburus seem to be the Montana State Vehicle and we were glad to be driving one as we made our muddy, bumpy way to the ranch.

I wish you could crawl into my mind's eye to see the beauty of this place. Even though I am at a writing retreat, words escape me to describe how stunning the nature around us is.

The Haven Community has already formed. Fast friends have been made. Delicious vegan food has been eaten. A reading from our author-facilitator near the hearth has been shared. A good night's rest after a long travel day has been slept.

There is so much more to write, but I don't have the energy just now. I am certain I will be writing about these five days for months to come.

Stay Tuned. Thanks for your interest in this journey of mine.

Warmly,
Julie

This is the view from my bedroom. I look forward to sitting on one of the swings and soaking in the lake and trees and sounds of Montana.

#11 Read Four More Presidential Biographies - CHECK

Hi lovely readers,

I have procrastinated writing this post for more than two weeks because honestly writing about James K. Polk, U.S. President No. 11 seems about as exciting as reading about the man. That's a wordy way of saying I didn't enjoy learning much about Mr. Polk. But I am excited to cross off another item from the list, so my motivation has been reinvigorated.

Here's a bulleted list of some of the things I learned about American history whilst reading this short, but looonnnnggg, biography:

*Polk's presidency was made possible when the two presidential front runners, Martin Van Buren (for re-election) and Henry Clay (long time presidential aspirant and total grouch) spoke out against annexing Texas. They were out of step with what Americans wanted and their outspokenness cost them their careers.

*In the vein of "some things never change," Toqueville visited from France and "concluded that "religious insanity is very common in the United States." Separation of church and state, in those days as now, did not keep preachers out of politics."

*"Somehow he [Polk] is the least acknowledged among our presidents of great achievement, which is somewhat mystifying. He boldly exerted the influence of the presidency in both foreign and domestic affairs. He threatened war with the British to take from them a major share of the Oregon Territory, waged war against Mexico to grab California and New Mexico, and increased the landmass of the country by a third, creating a continental nation that reached from ocean to ocean. He reduced the tariff, permanently stripped public tax funds from the unaccountable and often corrupt control of private banks, and created an independent Treasury that was viable for more than 60 years." (page 1)

*One of the reasons, I'm not a fan of Polk: "Yet over a career that ran more than a quarter century, as state legislator, U.S. Congressman, Speaker of the House, governor and president, Polk seemed TO GROW OR CHANGE LITTLE AT ALL. [All caps are mine.] He knew what he knew about traditional Republican orthodoxy satisfied that he was true to his beliefs, and thus concluded he was indisputably right." (page 2) Boo to not growing or expanding one's experience. However...

*Here's something I can admire: "Polk believed that if democracy was to have meaning, the great mass of people were as entitled as the wealthy few to vote and to serve in high offices." (page 29)

*Polk's "Great Measures": "He would lower the tariff; He would recreate Van Buren's independent treasury; He would acquire Oregon from the British; He would acquire California from Mexico." (pages 102-103)

*"...Harry Turman published his list of eight great presidents and rated Polk, chronologically, behind Washington, Jefferson, and Jackson. "A great president," said the thirty-third chief magistrate of the eleventh. "He said exactly what he was going to do and he did it." (page 103) Yes, Mr. 33, but at what cost? Dare I ask.

*And finally..."Polk left office with no iconic image, no host of hero-worshipers, no hordes of admirers sated with his charisma. If his administration approached "greatness" - and most...agree that it did - it was on the basis of performance alone." (page 155)

So there you have it. A brief snapshot of the notes and quotes I copied as I read this biography. I believe I have entered the "boring stage" of this writing project. I am undeterred. I will trudge on, but first I will read more Anne of Green Gables and the book I've chosen from the high school reading list first. When those are complete, I'll be able to check off numbers 10 and 22 as well.

#13 Get a Pedicure with Bright Red Polish - CHECK

Leave it to me to find a way to make getting a pedicure a "deep thoughts" kind of moment. But I did. That's who I am.

Choosing to get a pedicure after the 5k was a brilliant strategy. Cross off two 4040 items in a day, and give my feet and legs a much-needed treat. I also made it a girls-only event. My mom, sister, daughter and I walked a block down the street to the downtown mall where the concierge at the hotel said we would find a nail salon.

Daughter spotted a man with a sign asking for help while we stood at the crosswalk. She asked if I had some money so she could give it to him. I handed her a small bill. The pedestrian light flashed, the numbers counted down and we crossed the street. She approached the man, dropped the money in his container. We smiled, read his sign about the money really going for beer, smiled some more and kept walking. Daughter, now a proficient reader, questioned me about the beer sign, and I told her he was making a joke.

I limped the entire way to the mall. My sister asked, "What is the matter?" I reminded her that walkers had thwarted the start of my race and in an attempt to get around them, I had run the first bit of the race on the balls of my feet and pulled my calves. The left one was far more painful than the right. There really couldn't be a better time for a twice-in-a-decade pedicure.

We signed in at the nail salon and were shown to the polish display to pick our colors. Daughter was so excited to be included in this particular 4040 activity. She asked, "How many colors can we get?" When she was told two, she exclaimed, "Yes!" loud enough for the other customers to hear her excitement. We were assigned to our chairs and the warm tubs of water. We sat down, placed our legs in the warmth and enjoyed the accompanying mechanical chair massage.

Here are the thoughts that bubbled to the surface as I relaxed into the experience.

When I added the pedicure to the list, I thought I was giving myself permission to do what I admit I thought was a girly, indulgent thing that I judgmentally thought too many women did too often. It turns out that the pedicure was actually my soul's attempt at nudging me closer to living more in my body than in my bookworm's head and heart. Who knew? I was ticklish and there were moments particularly as the woman massaged my arches that weren't comfortable. I used my training mentality to get through those moments. "This arch massage won't last forever. The discomfort is temporary. The overall experience is awesome." Turns out, I've become a mantra machine. My inner dialogue continues to get so much stronger on the side of positive self talk.

And then as I relaxed, I thought about the man on the corner we passed on our way to the salon. I daydreamed about how great it would be to offer him a chance to sit in the chair. To soak his tired feet in the warm water. To have another human being touch the tender places on his worn feet. Would that make him feel better? Different? Loved? I wondered when was the last time he had experienced a warm bath, felt clean, and refreshed?

The woman rubbed lotion on my legs. They were already feeling better after the time in the warm bath. She placed my feet into the flip flops I had carried with me. I was fascinated by the woman's steady hand and how she applied the bright, shimmery red to my toes.

She led me over to the blue light to dry and set my pedicure. There I struck up a lovely conversation with a woman whose husband had run the mini-marathon (13.1 miles) that morning. She told me about their running life, races to definitely go to (Peachtree Race in Atlanta, July Fourth each year). She told about the inspiring stories you always hear about why people are at races, what motivates them to run. I told her about my 4040 list and checking the 5k off the list with my brother-by-marriage.

Checking number #13 off the list was such an enriching experience. I love the ways this list is surprising me. Building me. Transforming me. Giving me permission to be self-indulgent in healthy ways. I know I won't make getting a pedicure a regular thing, but it will become a special treat I offer myself more often than on a decade's basis.

PS: As we walked back to the hotel, I. Did. Not. Limp.

27. Make a Look Book of Cadence's Fashions for Me - CHECK

I recorded in my daughter's journal around age two that she had begun to pick out her own clothes.

I am so glad I thought to write it down. Six years later, I wouldn't have believed it without the proof. I mean, come on, two years old? I remember one Sunday morning she picked out a yellow dress and put her white and pink Cardinals jersey over it. I let her wear it to church, and she was a hit among the Cards' fans.

I decided pretty early on that of the many battles of parenting I would have to choose, what my daughter wore would not be one of them. As long as she was appropriately covered and had a jacket in case of cooler weather, I was going to let her match or unmatch to her heart's content. Her clothing choices, I decided, would not be a reflection of me. But me letting her feel a sense of control and a sense of self-expression would be a reflection of my parenting style.

One day in kindergarten, she said, “Mom look, I'm matching.” Cadence showed me her two floral prints. I paused and asked her to explain in what way she matched. “They're both flowers. So they match.” I couldn't argue with this logic.

In the past year I have noticed that she really has an eye for style, aesthetic, and what looks good. I began letting her choose my jewelry in the mornings before work. I watched her careful consideration. Her wheels were turning. She was contemplating what would look best. Almost without exception, her choices were better than mine. It was a joy to interact with her in these quick moments of our busy mornings, and it was satisfying to see her confidence grow as I encouraged her stylings.

From jewelry selections I moved on to asking for her help in picking out my wardrobe. Again, she dazzled me with her eye and her choices.

As I drafted my 4040 list, I worked to find activities that she and I could do together. I decided to add #27 “Create a Look Book of Cadence's styles.” I was already capturing morning's wardrobes when she selected them, why not make a book of these photos as she created them throughout the 4040 celebration?

Enter my friend, Christa. She's a gifted photographer who wants to expand her portfolio, so she asked me if she could photograph Cadence and I doing some activity together for a “Slice-of-Life” photo shoot. I asked if she would photograph Cadence coming up with outfits for me to try on, and she agreed.

One Sunday afternoon a few hours before Cadence's long-anticipated Girl Scout Daddy-Daughter Dance, Christa came over. I laid out my closet's contents on the bed and the sofa.

Our instructions for Cadence were simple: Pretend you're a fashion designer and create outfits for me to try on.

I was not prepared for what followed. Cadence studied my body like an artist. She clasped her hands together making a steeple of her index fingers and pressed them to her lips in contemplation. “Do you want to know the theme?” she asked. I told her I wanted to be surprised. She began gathering clothes from the bed. At one point she looked perplexed. I said, “What are you looking for?”

“I need a hat. For a cowgirl. The theme is cowgirl,” she answered.

I offered her a straw hat. “Try it on,” she commanded.

“No, that's not the look I'm going for.” Seriously. My almost eight-year-old said those exact words.
I brainstormed with her and she agreed to the black hat with a bill.

The next 75 minutes went like this. Sometimes she'd whisper her theme to Christa, so that she could bounce off ideas to someone. I was always surprised.

In addition to a cowgirl (complete with a pink bandana because you know, “Cowgirls have to wipe their dirty hands on something...”), Cadence transformed me into a teacher and told me how to pose.

A "zoo person"

A bridesmaid (in the dress my paternal grandmother wore to my parents' wedding)

A mechanic (like my novel's character, Astrid)

And president (inspired by a top hat akin to what President Lincoln might have worn.)

She also made a sign that read “Vote for her.” And an arrow pointing to me. I might start calling her Chelsea Clinton!

I was most surprised by her confidence and how comfortable she was in this starring role. She was creative and thoughtful about all of her choices including when she dressed me as “someone at school who you go to if you have a problem and don't know how to solve it.” Score a point for the school counselor!

I have no idea if this fashion thing will stick or not. Honestly, I don't care. What I do care about is that I am able to create an environment where exploration of who she wants to become and what career path she wants to pursue is a fun, creative, and safe experience.

I like knowing that I am working hard to be a safe person she can bounce off ideas with, to think things out loud with, and that she knows that I trust her to know and trust herself.

These are a few other favorite moments that Christa captured beautifully. I created a tangible look book from Walgreen's using a mother's day sales code and some rewards money. I can't wait to display it in my living room.