Friday, October 5, 2018

5. The Stare Down

What has happened in the past few weeks is I have opted to look my shame, sadness, and discomfort over the state of my yard in the eye. To face it without backing away as I have in the past. To own the mess and see what I can make of it little-by-little. Step-by-faltering-step.

After all, I remind myself, this is how I have tackled every post-divorce challenge that has come my way, and it has worked every time.

I sit on my porch after another day of watering plants, weeding the driveway by hand—without chemicals—and cleaning out the garage.

I rock in the dusty, paint-chipped rocking chair on my porch. I breathe in the feeling of another successful day of homeownership. I don't feel so overwhelmed. I have broken down the mental list of all the things that need to be done, and feel energized to do them as energy, time, and budget allow.

As I rock, I reflect. I have come so far in other areas of my life in the past three years. What will I accomplish in this yard in the next three years now that I have the mental space and physical energy to attack it head on?

The sadness I felt mere weeks ago is lifting, dissipating. That’s what happens when I stare down the uncomfortable emotions attached to something I have tried to avoid. My sadness is being replaced with a sense of accomplishment and increased competency. A sense of "okayness" with the situation is evaporating the long-held beliefs that this situation was always too big, too messy, too expensive.

It IS a lot, as the photo below captures, but I have a sense now that I can tackle it. I can improve it on my own time with my own wits. This, alone, is progress.


  1. Seems like the progress you are making on the inside is and will be reflected on the outside! I need to think about that in my life.

  2. Wooo hooo, on feeling able to tackle this giant task step-by-step. It is cool to see that as you make mental progress, there is also physical progress. Looking forward to witnessing both during the rest of this series.

  3. Beautiful... I agree with Sharybary above... as you tend to the yard and garden outside, it seems He is tending on the inside! Good for you! You CAN do it!