5. The Stare Down

What has happened in the past few weeks is I have opted to look my shame, sadness, and discomfort over the state of my yard in the eye. To face it without backing away as I have in the past. To own the mess and see what I can make of it little-by-little. Step-by-faltering-step.

After all, I remind myself, this is how I have tackled every post-divorce challenge that has come my way, and it has worked every time.

I sit on my porch after another day of watering plants, weeding the driveway by hand—without chemicals—and cleaning out the garage.

I rock in the dusty, paint-chipped rocking chair on my porch. I breathe in the feeling of another successful day of homeownership. I don't feel so overwhelmed. I have broken down the mental list of all the things that need to be done, and feel energized to do them as energy, time, and budget allow.

As I rock, I reflect. I have come so far in other areas of my life in the past three years. What will I accomplish in this yard in the next three years now that I have the mental space and physical energy to attack it head on?

The sadness I felt mere weeks ago is lifting, dissipating. That’s what happens when I stare down the uncomfortable emotions attached to something I have tried to avoid. My sadness is being replaced with a sense of accomplishment and increased competency. A sense of "okayness" with the situation is evaporating the long-held beliefs that this situation was always too big, too messy, too expensive.

It IS a lot, as the photo below captures, but I have a sense now that I can tackle it. I can improve it on my own time with my own wits. This, alone, is progress.