Eustress

I had a panic attack today.

They don't surface often, gratefully, but when they do, I am rattled.

My chest tightens. My breathing labors. I have a Rational Voice in my head telling me that none of the worries that have brought on these physical symptoms are serious or life-threatening. The Irrational Voice responds, "Yes, RV, I am well aware of this. It doesn't matter. I am currently in no position to talk myself out of this scary, circular, mess of an internal monologue."

I know how it happened. I've spent the past two weeks dealing with car troubles. These circumstances cracked open my vulnerabilities. I remained mostly calm and composed, but it took it's toll on me. Then in my exhaustion, I said yes to an invitation I knew I should have said no to. And then I felt another yes coming. These struck hard because I've been doing so well at my boundary drawing of late and these yeses or near-yeses felt like self-betrayal.

During my panic attack and the hours that I was a muddled mess, I kept asking myself What Would Glennon Do? Glennon reminds us that We Can Do Hard Things and that our pain is where our lessons and the good stuff of life can come from, but we have to dwell there for a spell. I didn't ask people what to do, an old tactic. I opened my journal and wrote down all the things causing this physical and emotional tension. Writing always clears the cobwebs. I also breathed deeply, prayed, and trusted that the right answer would come and the tension would ease. I was right. My chest loosened and my breathing returned to mostly normal.

With a clearer head, I cancelled the plans remembering that no was the answer I should have given days ago.  This was a pop quiz, and it was okay to not ace it. I've aced a lot of other emotional pop quizzes of late and perfect scores are not the goal. Only learning lessons matters. Sometimes it takes extra practice to master the material.

I knew that saying no was creating space to say yes to my writing life, which has the power to heal and restore like nothing else does.

I spent the afternoon away from the office with colleagues at a team-building event. One of the breakout sessions was a version of balderdash--a game where each player gives an exotic word a definition and then the person whose turn it is has to pick their favorite definition and compare it to the actual definition. This word nerd loved it and learned several new ones including: 

Today's panic attack and the resulting reflection is a perfect example of eustress. They provided me with an opportunity for personal growth. Facing my yes and changing it to no taught me the importance of listening to my needs. Of the importance of making decisions for the right reasons, which do not include people pleasing--the source of this particular yes.

This eustress also led to brainstorming what I need creatively.  Rob Bell often talks about creating that thing you need instead of waiting for it to appear. As I drove my newly repaired pathfinder home, the Honey Locust Creatives' Collective was my answer to what I've been seeking: creative space that welcomes and encourages creatives in their particular pursuits. I have no idea what will become of it, but I do know a lot of creatives: writers, painters, designers, knitters, to name a few. I want to create space for us to live and express ourselves creatively.

This weekend the Honey Locust Creatives' Collective is a retreat-for-one taking place in my bedroom. Maybe some day it will be a retreat for others--or not. It doesn't matter. Tonight it's feeding my soul and creating the space for me to feel supported as I plan to write on and off from now until Monday when I return to my day job.

Nourish - Addendum to the Word of 2016

An interaction in the hallway at work with a colleague inspired me to add another word to my Word of 2016 list: nourish.  The interaction sounded like this.

B: Hi, Julie. <in hushed tones> Have you lost weight?

Me: <nod of my head> Yes. Yes I have. I'm just not ever hungry. And since I'm alone a lot, I just skip meals. I know I don't have any weight to lose.

B: Julie, it's not about being hungry. It's about being healthy and NOURISHING your body. I don't want you to get sick. You need to be strong and healthy for your daughter.

Me: Yes, you are right.

B: Revisit the food pyramid and look at the foods you need to NOURISH your body.

Me: Yes, I will. Thank you.

B did not say the word nourish in bold letters, but that's how I heard them. Since I'm a word nerd, that word stood out to me. NOURISH was the flashlight I needed to illuminate a darkened path. I'd stopped wearing most of my trousers because they were too loose. I'd stopped running because I knew I wasn't fueling my body well enough to support that extra effort. These were subconscious clues that I my stress non-eating was taking a toll.  I knew deep down I needed to pay attention to this, but until B initiated this conversation, I didn't know what to do.

I am proud of how I responded. In the past, I would have obsessed and worried over this conversation, and been paralyzed by fear. That day, I decided to let nourishing myself be my guide. I bought supplement drinks to add more calories, asked a friend to cook for me on occasion on evenings when I am on my own, and asked a couple friends to pray for an increased appetite and for weight gain.

Since that hallway conversation, I have taken care to make three meals a day a habit again regardless of whether I feel hunger or not. I am not overwhelmed by the situation. I know I can improve it one meal at a time. So far I have gained back about four pounds, and have my sights on gaining another five. When I hit that weight, I will aim for another five pounds.

TRUST and NOURISH really do seem to be the most appropriate words for me to meditate on in this season of my life. They offer the next steps in self-care that were initiated when I chose the word gentle in 2015. I am in a season of rest, healing, and becoming my best self. Those goals will be achieved as I trust God, myself, and others and as I nourish my body, mind, and spirit.

Martin Van Buren President #8 - Recap

The Martin Van Buren biography I chose was written by an author I'd never heard of. It is part of The American Presidents series. I am such a fan of biography giants David McCollough and Jon Meacham that I had the sense that reading biographies from this series was a bit of a step down. [Snob Alert!]

I could not have been more wrong. Aside from the fact that this book by Ted Widmer was under 200 pages, I sincerely enjoyed reading his take on the eighth president. I had braced myself for what my Brad-Dad called “the boring reading” of this project, but it never happened.

Arthur M. Schlesinger Jr., another giant in the world of history, is the general editor of this series and I really appreciated this excerpt from his Editor's note:

“Biography offers an easy education in American history, rendering the past more human, more vivid, more intimate, more accessible, more connected to ourselves. Biography reminds us that presidents are not supermen. They are human beings too,worrying about decisions, attending to wives and children, juggling balls in the air, and putting their pants on one leg at a time. Indeed, as Emerson contended, 'There is properly no history; only biography'”

I really love that. It helps frame for me precisely why I'm reading my way through the presidents. I am not out to become a presidential scholar. I just want to understand U.S. history better and exploring it from the perspective of the men who have led it seems one way to do it. I really had no way of predicting how enjoyable this project would be. Widmer's approach to Martin Van Buren will be a highlight of the entire project.

Between pages two and 41, Widmer had this reader on speed dial with her phone's dictionary. He used GOOD words like:

Velleity – a wish or inclination not strong enough to lead to action.

Quixotic – romantic behavior or following beliefs even though they are foolish or unreachable goals (I swear I have to look up this word every time I run across it. Maybe the definition with stick with me this time.)

Rodomontade – arrogant boasting or blustering, ranting talk.

Internecine – something that is harmful or destructive to both sides involved.

Perfervid – intense and impassioned.

Jingoistic – overly patriotic or nationalistic.

Bellicosity – warlike or hostile attitude or nature.

The word Calumny (slander) happened to appear in every biography from Washington to Jackson. Van Buren is the first time I did not read it.

Martin Van Buren was the first president from the state of New York and was the first ethnic president. His family was Dutch. He overcame incredible odds (he did not come from money, he was not a descendent of the English, he was not well educated) to make his way to the highest post in the country.

When a friend texted me that Van Buren didn't do a lot, so the biography would be a quick one, I texted back, “The author would argue VB deserves more attention than he's received.”

Van Buren “was a gifted legislator” and was easy to get along with “even his enemies admitted.” He created the Democratic Party. Widmer writes, this “was the achievement of a lifetime, and too many biographers pass over these years to get to his presidency. If he had never been elected, he still would have been important for his guerilla activity in the middle of the 1820s. He defeated more than an administration; he destroyed an entire system that had ossified and installed in its place something far more modern.”

Van Buren's presidency was the low light of his career. Soon after he took office, a great depression hit. “The Panic of 1837 was simply the worst financial catastrophe in American history until the crash of 1929.”

Of slavery, another difficulty Van Buren's presidency couldn't overcome, Widmer writes, “It was the most glaringly undemocratic idea in our history, so powerful that we are still wrestling with its legacy in the 21st century. But until Van Buren's administration, it was largely invisible as a matter of public discourse.”

The experience of reading Van Buren's biography was so enjoyable because of Widmer's ability to connect historical dots and highlight contrasts and comparisons with other presidents through U.S history. This is one of my favorite passages of the entire book: “It goes without saying we need our Lincolns and Washingtons – the United States would not exist without them. But we need our Van Burens, too – the schemers and sharps working to defend people from all backgrounds against their natural predators. For democracy to stay realistic, we need to remain realistic about our leaders and what they can and cannot do.”

Word Nerd's Word of the Day

I am a word nerd. There is no getting around it. I read my thesaurus FOR FUN.

So today I was reading a long passage, trying to make sense of a bunch of political stuff in American Lion, Jon Meacham's biography of Andrew Jackson, and came across the word solecism. It's kind of a great word meaning: 1. a mistake of grammar or idiom; a blunder in speaking or writing.

I've decided that since there are so many good, rich words that these presidential biographers use that us common folk are generally unfamiliar with, I'm going to start sharing the words I have to look up with my 300 rejection readers.

Please comment if/when you know the word of the day...or when you happen to be able to use the word of the day in regular conversation. This is what word nerds do for fun. Join in!