26. Music

My first memory of music being a part of my life is me as a four-year-old wearing my dad’s giant white and black earphones. They were giant ear muffs over my tiny head and ears. Spiro Gyra was playing. My dad was nearby helping me keep the earphones on my head.

Later, music accompanied my dad, sister, and I every weekend when we loaded our trash in the metal drums and drove them to the outskirts of town to the local dump. Roy Orbison was a favorite every time it came on the radio because my dad sang it with a funny falsetto. It made the three of us giggle every time.

Then there was Whitney Houston, Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson.

Mariah Carey, Sting, Erasure, Sarah McLachlan, Coldplay, Avett Brothers, and Gregory Alan Isakov would come at different intervals of life and help define that each stage for me.

Words play such an important role in my life that they have appeared in various forms throughout this series. All of these artists’ lyrics have formed a scaffold by which I shore up my inner life. I have an eclectic taste in music—I have different music for different moods.

Struggling with depression and the “what next?” of life after graduation, Mariah Carey’s Christmas album was the only music I could stomach as early as October of my senior year. My poor roommate gauged my mood and outlook by what was playing when she approached our door.

I played the piano and viola as a young girl, but I didn’t practice, so those forms of musical expression didn’t stick. But they gave me a foundation for appreciating music and knowing what to listen to which remains with me to this day.

As I type I’m listening to the Avett Brothers’ The Carpenter album. The cello, banjo, and horns are such a soothing presence.
I nurture myself with music of all genres, and am so grateful for its restorative, contemplative powers.

29. Weekend Wisdom

“We can be shiny and perfect and admired, or we can be real and honest and vulnerable and loved. But we actually do have to choose.

And I just keep choosing this real and vulnerable and honest place, not because you don’t get hurt there – because I do – but because this is the pain that grows us. There’s pain in both places, and nothing hurts as much as not being known.”

 – Glennon Doyle

28. Weekend Wisdom

"Speak your mind,even if your voice shakes."

-Maggie Kuhn

25. Boundaries

My daughter has been on fall break for the past week, so her backpack has been idle. I had a few things to send back to school with her when school resumes. I unzipped the bag, and realized I had taken a break from looking through her backpack. Among the papers, I found grid paper used for long division practice. I looked at those faint lines, and how they were helping my daughter keep the digits in the right place, thereby making the process of solving the problem easier. 

 

The grid paper reminded me of how boundaries serve the same purpose in our lives. Three summers ago, under the shade of mature trees in a park a few blocks from work, I read a book that introduced me to the idea of boundaries. As I read on, I heard myself say, “Oh gosh. That’s the next thing to tackle. I don’t have any boundaries.” And so with the help of my counselor, I set out to course correct. 

 

That epiphany that came under the shade of those big trees was one of many little directional signs that dropped into my life and pointed me in a new direction.

 

  

Boundaries form the invisible lines that mark an individual’s emotional territory. They are the rules, expectations, and protocol of human interaction. Healthy boundaries create space for us to use our energy appropriately and to protect us from toxic interactions and circumstances. Healthy boundaries make navigating the complexities of life much easier.

 

 

 

Rob Bell discussed boundaries in a recent podcast. I cannot recommend the episode highly enough. I’ve listened to it twice. The second time I took notes. Here are some of the highlights:

• “Part of spiritual growth is growing a spine.” That’s what I’ve been doing.
• Setting boundaries is like building muscle. The muscle grows stronger as you do the work.
• Boundaries protect our divine spark—that essence that bears the image of the divine that we all possess.
• Having boundaries is a stewardship of self.
• Jesus had strong boundaries. He told his disciples, If the village rejects you, shake the dust off your feet and leave. (He also cites other scriptures where Jesus demonstrates strong boundaries. This was a brand-new consideration for me.
• When you begin setting boundaries, you may feel like you’re being mean, but you’re not. “You’re starting to be kind with yourself, which feel counterintuitive if you’ve allowed yourself to be walked on for years. You are growing a spine.
• “Boundaries make us more loving and compassionate.”

 

While I was fascinated to hear Rob’s explanations, I was delighted to realize that much of what he was saying felt like review. I have put boundaries in place in the past three years—in all aspects of life—personally and professionally.

 

My life has improved vastly since that afternoon on the park bench. I no longer feel so overwhelmed by social interactions. I have a better understanding of how to maximize my energies to accomplish what I want and need to in daily living. I understand my limits in relationships, and as a result I have more of myself to give when the time and circumstances are right.

24. Removed the S words

A few days ago I wrote about how I've nurtured myself by adding words to my vocabulary as a form of meditation, focus, and kinder self-talk. Today, I am advocating for the removal of two S words. I experienced a marked improvement in my life and well-being when I removed the poisonous words: Should and Sorry.



Should is laced with guilt and obligation. When I found myself saying I "should" do something, it was inevitably a chore that did not bring me joy. A task hijacked by a word certain to keep me de-energized at best or in a foul mood at worst. I used to catch myself saying things like, "I should do the dishes...or the laundry...or go to the grocery." Those shoulds never inspired or motivated me. They made me less inclined to tackle the task at hand.



The toxic cocktail of should becomes more concentrated when the word is used to guide behavior as it pertains to relationships. “I should call...visit...ignore certain bad behavior...” These shoulds are deadly to health and well-being. Should can lead one into vulnerable, unsafe emotional territory. Should keeps up appearances. By removing should from my personal lexicon, I let my well-being and energy resources guide how I spend my time.



As for the word sorry, well, my writing partner and I have a whole book to say about that awful word. But until it's written, I'll say this: girls and women are socialized to apologize for everything. Ladies, have you listened to us? Do you notice what the circumstances are when you say, “I'm sorry”? If you're like me, you'll find yourself saying you're sorry when you pass someone in a tight hallway at work, when you want to make a point, share an opinion, or disagree. I'm Sorry. I'm Sorry for being Sorry. It was an appalling discovery. We apologize for our very existence!



When I stopped saying sorry, I began hearing how often my daughter said the word, and it was crushing. With time and awareness, I have helped her reduce her usage. We talk about how the word sorry is reserved for times when we have done harm to someone. Hurt feelings, caused an accident, etc. Do you realize how infrequently those instances occur in daily life?



I mother myself by being mindful of the words I say and do not say. I act with integrity, not obligation. I am accountable for my words and actions when I have caused hurt or a problem, but I do not apologize for things that fall outside those important lines.

23. I interrupt this series to practice what I preach.

I am sitting at a terminal in my beloved second home, the public library. It’s seven p.m. on a Monday night. I’ve worked all day, done the grocery shopping, and now it’s time to write.

Life hasn’t stopped being stressful, but I’d adjusted to the ever-present stresses and things were moving along swimmingly. And then the past couple months got bumpy. The bumps didn’t feel like speed bumps. They were the kind that seemed to cause my stress and anxiety to accelerate.

Then on Saturday, with six blog posts planned out, but not yet written, my four-year-old laptop’s charging port stopped working. I knew it was losing juice on Friday morning when the screen displayed: "The battery level is very low. Plug in the computer." The problem was the laptop WAS PLUGGED IN.

I ran downstairs. I grabbed my flash drive and ran back up the stairs. I went into the office where I store my external hard drive and went to town backing up files and photos I should have been backing up all along.


“Mom, have you saved Astrid?” Cadence’s first thought was of my book. And her question reminded me that while I did have it backed up, I hadn’t backed it up since working on it two weekends ago. With a calm determination, I breathed deeply and kept copying files. Gratefully, the laptop still had power after I’d completed the back up.

I’m annoyed that I’ve got to buy a new computer. I’m annoyed that I didn’t have all 31 posts written ahead. I’m annoyed by the inconvenience of having to make trips to the library to do my writing.

But actually more than anything, I’m grateful. I'm grateful that I had time to save all my stuff. Not having a computer at the ready means I have to be creative with my time management. And this: I’ve learned how to schedule my posts for the next few days. This was a feature I hadn’t employed before, but necessity demanded I figure it out, and put it to use, which may potentially ease the need to go to the library every day for the rest of the month.

The biggest thing I am grateful for? The test of whether I can take it easy with myself and my expectations when life doesn’t go as planned. Do I mean it when I write about being gentle with myself? Do my actions match my words?

This computer mess is giving me the opportunity to prove to myself that I really do. As a 31Days participant, I am part of a network of writers who cheer each other on for the month as we write and publish our posts and read each other’s words. I have often observed how hard on themselves these women are when they find themselves a day off their schedule, or they come down with a cold, or life simply gets in the way of the writing. For the past two years, I’ve cheered them on. I’ve reminded them that there are no real rules to this challenge. Writing and publishing for 31 days is a guideline. The world won’t come to an end if a day gets skipped or they have to finish the series after October 31.

Having my computer malfunction before the series ended presents an opportunity to tell myself the things above that I’ve shared with other writers. Am I listening? Do I believe my own words? Am I giving myself a break?

The answer is yes. A resounding yes. As I have said in the past, it will not matter in a week or a year on what day the series is completed. What’s most important is that a body of work will exist after a strenuous period of contemplation, writing, and publishing. That is where I am concentrating my focus, and I believe it wholeheartedly. I know these circumstances would have knocked me sideways two years ago. I appreciate the self-care I am offering myself in real time. I call that progress.

22. Weekend Wisdom

"When fear makes your choices for you, no security measures on earth will keep the things you dread from finding you. But if you can avoid avoidance—if you can choose to embrace experiences out of passion, enthusiasm, and a readiness to feel whatever arises—then nothing, nothing in all this dangerous world, can keep you from being safe."

- Martha Beck