I've been contemplating a new way to live my life. It's an
integration of all the heart and soul work I've been doing over the
past few years. I have learned a few truths:
Difficult circumstances are temporary states.
You learn what you're made of during said difficult circumstances.
The bad stuff has a unique set of lessons to teach that cannot be
accessed any other way.
Debt stinks and drains.
Life doesn't have to be on hold whilst paying down said debt.
Small gestures of kindness make a big difference.
Goals create structure.
Writing is my world.
Dreaming is free.
Basically, I have considered these nine truisms for me and come up
with this:
I am happier than I have ever been because I sense my purpose and am
devoted to that pursuit. I am letting go of things—thought patterns
and old habits—that no longer serve me. As I let go of the things
that don't work, I'm picking up others—mostly relationships—that
nurture me and allow me to nourish in return. I have learned the
value of being on the receiving end of the giving equation, and have
grown in my ability to accept help.
I have big dreams: travel the world with myself, my daughter, and
with friends; write and submit essays, short stories, books; get
published. I am unconcerned with name or brand recognition, big
publishing houses, or big book advances. Sure, in my fantasies, those
things will come. But in my real life, I want to live a small life
where my love, smiles, and contributions make a big difference in the
corner of the world I occupy.
This
smallness is not the same kind that author and lecturer, Marianne
Williamson, references in this, my favorite quote:
“Our
deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children
do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our
own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do
the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.”
I
am no longer playing small as I have done in decades past. There was
a time when I identified with this deepest fear of being powerful
beyond measure. I did play small. It fit within others' expectations
of me. No more! The smallness I am referring to now is the confidence
that the extra cans of soup and green beans I pick up as I grocery
shop will be a helpful donation to the pantry at church. That the
small donation I sent to a non-profit after the rally trauma in
Charlottesville is a worthy contribution. Before my family was the
recipient of an anonymous giver's small gifts during our stints of
unemployment, I didn't believe that small gifts could make a
difference. I know they do now. And I am committed to giving of
myself in common, ordinary, small ways knowing that they actually do
make a difference.
I
received the most stunning thank you letter this week from the
organization I referenced above. It's opening paragraph blew me away
and reminded me that this sort of living small is the right fit for
me:
“If
you had just thought
of our students, of Charlottesville, we would have appreciated it. If
you'd just sent a message of support and strength, we would have been
moved. But you sent us a gift, made a monetary investment
in ensuring the future of Jewish life at the University of Virginia,
and for that, we are humbled and grateful...Your gift...was part of that support. And though healing doesn't happen in an instant, your gift makes an actual difference in the strength of community we will continue to nurture and sustain here in Charlottesville.” (I
would have removed the justs, but that's a different blog post.)
This was a humbling letter to receive because a. I gave what I could-- a mere $10,
and b. writing letters is what I do in my day job. I want the letters
I write to take donors' breaths away like this one took mine.
Every
line of Williamson's quote is sterling, but I am especially drawn to
these words: “And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from
our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I am learning that what is written here at 300 rejections plays into
this idea. I admit my fears and struggles, and it creates space for
others to acknowledge their own. It is humbling and extraordinary
every time I ponder it. Living like this sets me up to show up, do
the work, and wait with anticipation for what's to come. To think,
once this way of living terrified me. Now it's pure exhilaration. I know there's nothing to fear.
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This girl is learning how to dream big behind the wheel of a Tesla
“Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives. Such
striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness. Help them
instead to find the wonder and the
marvel of an ordinary life. Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes,
apples and pears. Show them how to cry when pets and people die. Show
them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand. And make the ordinary
come alive for them. The extraordinary will take care of itself.”
―William Martin |
